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I find myself thinking about how easy it would be if I could go back in time and forget about these times.

Go back 11 months and start over somewhere new, somewhere safe and way from this reality.

I feel like I can’t take another night with thoughts of you swimming through my mind, another morning waking up wondering where you are, another day walking around looking for you everywhere.

All I ever wanted was peace and serenity, a calm life with little emotions and dull situations, something predictable and safe.

And here you came crashing into me like a runaway train, destroying all hope for safety and serenity and peace of mind, awakening a side of me I smothered for so long, unleashing emotions within me I never knew I was capable of experiencing.

Now my days are spent staring into the future, longing, dreading, anticipating it, instead of living the present as I should.

Questions, doubts, fears, regrets all come flooding me at any given time, disrupting my calm and turning my mind into a whirlwind of sorrow, hollowness and anguish.

I want to see you, but seeing you only makes me weaker and emptier. I want to talk to you, but talking would serve me no purpose for every word I want to say to you, you surely don’t want to hear.

To you I’m nothing more than a startled little girl, amusing…surely, since I can’t seem to get my footing right around you, obstacles materialize themselves in my path whenever you’re around. A young clueless girl, that swam a little too far into the deep end of the pool, splashing around clumsily to catch your eye.

And catch your eye I have…though now I wish I had remained invisible to you, had continued to be just another face in a crowd, no one worth recognizing.

The fact that you’ve noticed me makes this mess real, tangible, in every look you give me I find hundreds of ways in which this will end badly for me.

With every thought about getting closer to you a thousand more tell me to cut my losses and leave while I’m still whole, before this breaks me.

But I can’t seem to be strong enough to pull back and stay back, when all I want is to run to you and lay my Great Matter to you…to just do something about this heaviness in my chest, this constriction in my throat and be free of the doubts and fears…to let my guard down and let you see me…for who I really am.

There’s so much in our way, it would be ridiculous for me to ever think I could get beyond all of it and reach you somehow and yet that is precisely what I want.

You’ve taken a calm, numb soul and awakened it. You’ve turned me into a fool for believing in the impossible and a ridiculous little girl for considering possibilities I shouldn’t even fathom.

Going back would be so much better, back to before I saw you, before you made me feel…alive.


Bee

Silly Dreams

This text is the result of a dream I had a few weeks back that had me wake up in the middle of the night laughing harder than I had laughed in a while.

Hope you enjoy it.

It was a busy night at The Burrow as a smiling Molly Weasley welcomed the last members of the Order into her humble home.

‘Ah Professor Snape!’ Arthur Weasley’s voice boomed as he rushed to the gloom looking Potions Master. ‘How nice of you to join us.’ The smiling red-head beamed.

‘Don’t tire yourself; I’m only here because the Headmaster deemed my presence mandatory.’ The dark wizard shot in a cold low voice as he walked past the slumping tall host and seemingly swayed over to a distant empty corner of the otherwise crowded room.

The partying people happily chatting all over the room did very little to lessen the frown carved onto the forehead of Snape as he eyed each group of socializing people with a severe judging glare.

Reckless fools! Engaging in parties as the Dark Lord rises from his feeble carcase into the powerful murderer he used to be. Mindless fools!

Suddenly some groups wandered to the centre of the room as more people entered the sitting room.

Snape’s stomach twisted upon itself at the sight of Harry Potter and his loyal entourage, the simple-minded red-head and the bushy haired know-it-all, clued to his royal arse like famished leeches.

His eyes shifted to the corner the group had just walked by and for a moment the frown lessened.

Bea Vasquez

She stood silently watching the people mingle, her green eyes focused and serious; her dark robes resting heavily on her shoulders, the contrast between the dark fabric and her alabaster skin giving her an almost ethereal look; her posture that of a Greek Goddess.

She had come to Hogwards in the beginning of the semester, from Portugal, with the goal to make her blossom by exposing her to a new environment, but most importantly, by placing her next to the greatest minds of the magic world.

In his class she was always the quiet, focused student, never asking dumb questions or waving her arm ridiculously at every question he posed.

It was clear to the Potions Master that she possessed a great mind, behind her guarded eyes and gloom attitude, but it was the lack of need to expose and show everyone just how great a mind she had that had made the Dark Wizard feel drawn to the young Witch.

Her eyes found Snape’s and he was surprised to see her expression soften and a slow smile to spread over her lips as she acknowledged his presence.

Taking hold of his robe, The Potions Master swayed to her side, his robes billowing soundlessly behind him as he stopped next to her, his eyes trained on the slightly inebriated Members of the Order as they made their way to the dinning room.

‘Miss Vasquez.’ He purred not looking at the young woman standing by his side.

‘Professor Snape.’ She replied just as quietly.

‘After you.’ The Professor purred finally looking down at her, one hand motioning to the dinning room as the other rested lightly over the small of her back.

She gave him a bright smile, before swaying calmly to the flooding room, followed closely by the Professor.

He waited until she was seated, before he made his away around the table and took his seat across the table from her.

‘Severus…’ the hoarse voice of the Headmaster called out as he, in a surprisingly agile move, took the seat Snape was about to occupy, bumping him out of the way in the process ‘…be a dear and let me sit across our two most promising students!’ he exclaimed motioning to Bea and Hermoine, who had just sat down.

Of course the Old Wizard was so engrossed in his conversation with Granger that he was oblivious to the glares being shot his way by both Bea and Snape.

Dinner went on in a succession of toasts and loud laughter, while both Snape and Bea remained blissfully quiet, occasionally exchanging looks and on Bea’s side a few smiles as well.

Halfway through dinner a bottle of root beer was place silently next to Bea’s plate by an equally silent Severus, but before the witch could reach it Hermoine’s hand picked it up and opened it.

‘You don’t mind do you Bea?’ Granger asked her already pouring the cool drink into her own glass; unaware of the murderous look the Potions Master sent her way.

The young Witch shrugged slightly before looking back over at Snape with an apologetic smile.

The mood around the calm duo was high and soon glasses were being raised and thrust into more glasses as voices boomed though the cramped room.

During one of the excited speeches Hermoine accidentally knocked over her cutlery.

In a smooth movement Bea leant down to pick them up before they were missed, but something caught her eye.

Stretched out to full capacity under the thick wooden table were the long legs of one Potions Master as he proceeded to bump every shin of the people across him, seemingly in search of someone else’s legs.

Amused, Bea sat back upright, placing Hermoine’s cutlery by her plate and returning her eyes to the frowning Professor she just caught leg-hunting.

Finally she feels it. Snape’s leg brushes hers and she can’t help the blush that creeps over her face at the feel of it, stealing a shy glance at her Professor to find him smirking slightly into his plate.

Before long dinner was over and Snape was accompanying Bea back out of the dinning room, their robes billowing behind them as the glided across the room.

‘I hate these gatherings.’ Bea murmured suddenly, much to Snape’s surprise.

‘Care to go for a walk?’ Snape purred relieved that she shared his distaste for this sort of socializing events.

‘Please.’ She murmured hurrying past the crowd and towards the hall exciting the house and taking a deep breath as she stepped out into the cool night air.

The Dark Wizard stood by the door watching her as she filled her lungs and sighed out quietly, closing her eyes and tilting her head to the moon.

‘Shall we?’ He asked in a silky tone, walking to her side and bending his arm offering it to her.

Without a second thought she raised her hand and placed it gently over his arm as they began their slow midnight walk through the Weasley property.

‘We probably shouldn’t be long…’ Bea whispered, her words followed by a quickly vanishing mist.

‘Why so?’ The Professor asked in a low soothing voice, enjoying the warmth of her hand even through the thick layers of clothing.

‘It won’t be long until they miss you inside.’ She murmured looking ahead as they moved through the open field at the side of the house.

‘They won’t.’ He said reassuringly. ‘I could walk into the Weasley’s sitting room wearing a Death Eater’s cloak and mask and no one would notice me.’ He says with a sly smirk. He always enjoyed the way he moved about unnoticed; it left a lot of room for consideration.

She laughed, a rich heartfelt laugh and Snape smiled down at her, stopping as they had circled the house once.

‘Well I don’t know about the Death Eater cloak, but it would be amusing if we could test your theory.’ She exclaimed, her eyes shinning up at him.

‘You think I’m wrong?’ He questioned arching an eyebrow reverently.

She smiled defiantly up at him. ‘I think I need to see in order to be sure of it.’ Bea affirmed raising her chin.

A slow confidant smirk spread over his lips and he nodded. ‘I suppose a wager is in order Miss Vasquez.’

‘Beatrix.’ She stated petulantly. ‘Call me Beatrix.’ She repeated in a softer tone.

‘Very well then’ he paused looking into her eyes ‘Beatrix, I will walk in to that sitting room, and each time I do, something will be different about me and I say no one will notice me or any of the changes.’ Snape stated matter-of-factly.

She nodded. ‘Very well’ slowly she took his right and shook it gently ‘we have a wager, Severus.’ She murmured, her green eyes shinning with mirth.

‘Back to The Burrow we go then.’ Snape stated offering her his arm once more, which she took excitedly.

Several minutes later, Bea found herself sitting alone in a chair, surrounded by amicably people chatting and joking as she stared expectantly at the door through which Snape had left.

It had been quite some time and she was starting to think that maybe he had changed his mind, when suddenly a dark figure emerges from the passage, gliding into the crowded room smoothly, it’s occupants oblivious to the moving body as it reached the centre of the room looked sharply at Bea and left through the same path it came from.

Bea found herself frozen in her seat; surely someone had noticed the tall Wizard entering the room in a porcelain white button down, black fitted trousers and belt, and a silver buckle with a shiny snake wrapped tightly around the S, representing his house.

But it seemed as though Snape’s presence had gone unnoticed by everyone but her.

Just as she recovered from the shock, Snape waltzed in once more, this time wearing an equally white sleeveless shirt that clung perfectly to his torso, shamelessly parading the Dark Mark on his forearm.

He proceeded to make the same path, his trousers hanging low on his waist now, as he had not only removed his shirt but the belt as well.

At that point Bea was in a perpetual state of paranoia. Surely someone had seen him now.

They had to have seen him!

But again, no one had noticed him as he exited the room once more.

Bea sat nervously in her chair, trying to decide if to run down that passage and tell Severus she needn’t see more, or stay seated and wait to see how far he’d take their little wager.

She went for the latter and gasped as the Potions Master once more entered the room, this time wearing only a pair of black silk boxers and his socks.

The Professor smirked as he resumed his parade, once more going unseen by anyone other than Bea’s big, round and shocked eyes.

He left once more and this time when he returned, Bea couldn’t help the involuntary squeal of surprise that ripped through her throat as her Professor did a walk around the room completely naked.

He’s pale body exposed to every eye in the room and yet nobody looked at him.

This time he went to her, stopping by her chair with a winning smirk. ‘It seems as though I have won our little wager Beatrix.’ He affirmed smugly before walking back out of the room, leaving behind a shell shocked Witch.

Just as she was about to stand and follow the Professor to settle the terms of their wager and give credit where credit was due, her path was cut off by a hopping and joyful looking Dumbledore, happily mumbling:

‘Oh Severus you tease!!!’ Rushing into the hallway the Potions Master had vanished into.

One Day

One day I won’t look away,
I’ll hold your stare and my ground and not be afraid to show the real me.
Let you see everything, fall in the pool of your soul and lose myself in its depths.

One day I’ll talk to you,
Say ‘hello’, ‘the weather is nice today’, ‘run away with me’, everything and anything that comes to mind.
I’ll tell you ‘I think of you’, ‘I dream of you’, tell you ‘I love you.’

One day I’ll smile back,
Give into my will and smile broadly at you, unafraid, free.
Show you the brightest side of me, show you the smile I’ve yet to show to anyone else.

One day I’ll touch you,
One, small, meaningful touch,
Let our hands brush as we walk past each other, feel your skin against mine, just for a second.

One day I’ll ask you to hold me,
To let me lose myself in your arms, be surrounded by your warmth, be close to you.
To be enveloped by your scent and presence, completely lost to the world beyond your embrace.

One day I’ll sing to you,
Sing sweetly in your ear, about the clouds and the moon, love and life.
About how the nearness of you affects me,
About what I’d be capable of if I had you.
Sing you my secrets, my dreams, my hopes.

One day I’ll dance with you,
Let you guide me through the age old steps, flowing freely above the ground.
I’ll rest my head on your shoulder and close my eyes.
Lose myself in the rhythm of our movements.

One day I’ll wake up next to you,
Lay quietly hearing you breathe.
Watching the shadows play along your profile.
Learn the planes of your face and study the laughter lines along your cheeks.

One day I’ll be happy to have met you,
Happy to have had you in my life.
Glad you were a part of my days.

One day I’ll look back and laugh at my foolish ways,
Remember the way my heart skipped when you were near,
The way my hands hitched to reach out and touch your face.
I’ll think it funny, sweet…innocent even.

One day I’ll stop looking for you in every corner,
Your memory will subside and life will go on just as it should.

One day I’ll stop dreaming of you,
My mind will stop drifting back to the way you looked at me.
No more snap-shots of possibilities that never were anything other than that…possibilities.

One day I’ll see you again and not be affected by your presence,
Walk past you with a proud smile, because I’ll be free…oh God I’ll be free of you.

One day I’ll stop looking for you in everyone I meet,
I’ll accept someone different,
Someone accessible,
Someone that will love me…

One day I’ll let you fade from my mind.

One day…

Hallo!

Olá e bem vindos ao Mindless Ramblings.

O propósito deste blog é o de publicar alguns textos e desabafos que vou escrevendo, uma espécie de diário no qual pretendo deixar alguns pensamentos que se vão materializando na minha cabeça.

Espero que quem decida seguir o blog tenha tanto gosto em lê-lo como eu tenho em escrever para ele.

Espero que gostem. =)

Clumsy Bee

P.S. - Peço desde já desculpa pois grande parte dos textos estão em inglês, por qualquer razão sempre me senti mais a vontade a escrever assim.