Untitled

I find myself thinking about how easy it would be if I could go back in time and forget about these times.

Go back 11 months and start over somewhere new, somewhere safe and way from this reality.

I feel like I can’t take another night with thoughts of you swimming through my mind, another morning waking up wondering where you are, another day walking around looking for you everywhere.

All I ever wanted was peace and serenity, a calm life with little emotions and dull situations, something predictable and safe.

And here you came crashing into me like a runaway train, destroying all hope for safety and serenity and peace of mind, awakening a side of me I smothered for so long, unleashing emotions within me I never knew I was capable of experiencing.

Now my days are spent staring into the future, longing, dreading, anticipating it, instead of living the present as I should.

Questions, doubts, fears, regrets all come flooding me at any given time, disrupting my calm and turning my mind into a whirlwind of sorrow, hollowness and anguish.

I want to see you, but seeing you only makes me weaker and emptier. I want to talk to you, but talking would serve me no purpose for every word I want to say to you, you surely don’t want to hear.

To you I’m nothing more than a startled little girl, amusing…surely, since I can’t seem to get my footing right around you, obstacles materialize themselves in my path whenever you’re around. A young clueless girl, that swam a little too far into the deep end of the pool, splashing around clumsily to catch your eye.

And catch your eye I have…though now I wish I had remained invisible to you, had continued to be just another face in a crowd, no one worth recognizing.

The fact that you’ve noticed me makes this mess real, tangible, in every look you give me I find hundreds of ways in which this will end badly for me.

With every thought about getting closer to you a thousand more tell me to cut my losses and leave while I’m still whole, before this breaks me.

But I can’t seem to be strong enough to pull back and stay back, when all I want is to run to you and lay my Great Matter to you…to just do something about this heaviness in my chest, this constriction in my throat and be free of the doubts and fears…to let my guard down and let you see me…for who I really am.

There’s so much in our way, it would be ridiculous for me to ever think I could get beyond all of it and reach you somehow and yet that is precisely what I want.

You’ve taken a calm, numb soul and awakened it. You’ve turned me into a fool for believing in the impossible and a ridiculous little girl for considering possibilities I shouldn’t even fathom.

Going back would be so much better, back to before I saw you, before you made me feel…alive.


Bee